moving

I’ll Sit With You in the Pain

“I guess I thought if I prayed about it, I would magically feel better and suddenly have a group of friends with whom I could share my heart and there’d be a rainbows and unicorns.”

I woke up this morning still feeling very melancholy. It seems the last couple of weeks I’ve been experiencing a lot of ups and downs, and I find myself wondering

“God, where are you in all of this? Why are you leaving me alone? Can’t you hear me?”

I thought if I prayed about it, I would magically feel better and suddenly have a group of friends with whom I could share my heart and there’d be a rainbows and unicorns. This morning as I was scrolling through Facebook before I got out of bed, God sent me a message. Yes, it’s true – God sent me a message on Facebook. No, I’m not crazy, at least not now. I believe that God can speak to us through other people sometimes, and this morning he spoke to me through Brene’ Brown.

“I thought faith would say, ‘I’ll take away the pain and discomfort’, but what it ended up saying was, ‘I’ll sit with you in it.'” Brene’ Brown

You can listen to her 6 minute message here.

Another quote that really spoke to me this week was from author Lysa TerKeurst (I have never read any of her books, I just follow her on Facebook and I like her quotes. She is on my list of books to read)

“How to overcome that seemingly impossible issue… pray more words about it than you speak.”

I find that I’ve been praying about things, but not an intense, fervent, journal for hours, pour-my-heart-out, fall-on-my-face prayer. I’ve been thinking about things, things have been on my mind, and when they come to mind, I’ve said a little prayer.

That is not the way I need to be praying about things.

Prayers on-the-go are not the same as deep conversations with God.

Just as a text to a friend is not the same as an hour-long phone call. Or a message on Facebook isn’t the same as a handwritten card or letter. Or a “how are you doing?” as you pass one another in the morning isn’t the same as a heart-to-heart conversation over a cup of coffee.

It’s no wonder I sometimes feel that God has forgotten me in this move. It seems I have also forgotten how to have a deep relationship with Him. So I ask myself, what am I afraid of? Why am I avoiding heart-to-hearts with God? And deep inside, I know the answer.

He’s asking me to do hard things. I can feel that nudging in my heart and I keep trying to distract myself. I stick to prayers-on-the-go so I don’t have to listen.

He’s asking me to step out of my comfort zone.

He’s urging me to reach out in grace and love to people in my life who have been unloving to me.

He’s asking me to be patient. It took years to build the purposeful relationships that I left in Vancouver. It will take years to build new ones.

He’s asking me to remember the commonality of suffering in people around me, when I selfishly just want to focus on my suffering. Everyone wants to experience happiness and avoid pain. He wants me to love those around me, and remember that everyone has a story, and every story matters.

He’s asking me not to wait for other people to come to me, but for me to reach out in love towards others. And that puts me in a vulnerable position. What if I’m rejected? And selfishly, what if it’s inconvenient to me?

So, I commit to prayer this Holy Week. I commit to real prayer, kind of prayer that builds relationships. The kind of prayer that restores me and my heart. The kind of prayer where I don’t just pour out all my feelings and tell God what I think He should do, but the kind of prayer that sits quietly and listens, which is so hard for me.

And I’ll remember that in the discomfort, in the loneliness, in the hard things, in the quiet listening,

He sits with me.

Help Me To Embrace This Vulnerable Season

*Background info: In the past 8 months, there have been many changes in my life. I became an empty-nester. My husband got a new job. Actually, he got one job, then was promoted to another. I sold our home where we had lived for 13 years. I moved away from the Pacific NW, where I have lived all of my life, to Louisville, Kentucky, 2300 miles away. I quit my job as a hospice nurse. I became unemployed (by choice, but still, unemployed). We moved to a new part of the country, a new city, a new house, a new church. 

I’m so absent-minded lately, my husband is afraid I have early on-set Alzheimer’s. I lose my way when I drive to the health club. I leave for an errand and come back without the item I was supposed to get. I ask my husband repeatedly about the dates he is going out-of-town. I leave eggs boiling on the stove until they almost blow up (it’s not as cool as it sounds). I remember once my kids were convinced that I had early dementia. I was so scattered, I was almost convinced, too. So I made and appointment with a doctor friend of mine who is an expert in the area, and after some testing, she assured me that what I was dealing with was just stress. She told me that if you are stressed or sleep deprived, you can exhibit similar symptoms. However, this was the best test – If you forget where you put your keys, that is normal. If you forget what your keys are used for, that is not normal.

And on top of that, I have become a wishy-washy mass of insecurity. I have little to no sense of self or where I belong, and I have lost my sense of purpose. An acquaintance recently asked me, “What do you do?” I am currently not working, so she asked me “Well, what do you like to do? Do you have any hobbies?” I started blankly at her.

“Well, I like to write.” I seriously couldn’t think of anything else to say. I write, but I have a little blog and it’s probably not what you would be interested. I longed to say something interesting, to have a fabulous answer as to what I am doing with all of my free time. I stammered and stuttered and finally looked at my husband and said, “What do I like to do?”

WHAT? WHO is this person? What made me become this shaky leaf of insecurity?

THIS IS NOT ME.

And I miss the old me. I miss being able to have dinner with my kids. I miss the woman who worked hard as a hospice nurse liaison to make sure her patients were well-informed and well cared for. I miss supporting my colleagues, working shoulder to shoulder to advocate for our patients. I miss being an expert in my field. I miss my tribe of women, whom I purposely gathered over the years – women with whom I could share my heart, who would pray for me, cook with me, or just come sit and talk to me while I did my dishes. I miss feeling like what I was doing on a daily basis was purposeful. I miss the structure. I miss familiarity.

I don’t like feeling so uncertain all of the time. I don’t like having all of this time to fill, but I also don’t want it to be filled. I’m tired and feeling lost and out-of-place all of the time. I’m tired of feeling lonely. I’m tired of having one small incident – like getting looked over for a job, or having someone not return a text – shape my whole day.

And honestly, I tire of hearing myself whine about it. (You are probably tired of hearing about it, too). As a matter of fact, I hate even writing about this, but it was one of those times I just have to vent or go crazy. So I’m not going to post this blog on social media. I am just writing for me. So if you have somehow stumbled upon this, you were meant to be here. This is one of the few times I will leave open the comment section, so if you’re reading this, I’d love for you to leave a comment. 

It’s coming up on one year in just a few months. I thought things would be settled by now, figured out. I thought I would have a sense of community, a structure, a sense of purpose. I just want everything to feel okay. Some days it does, but honestly, most days it just doesn’t.

And to be really honest, not all of this has to do with the changes that have happened in my life. I could just as easily be feeling this way back in the Northwest. I would just have work and friends to distract me. In any setting, I am a seasonal person. And I know this is simply a season.

As always, the thing that helps me get centered is to get back to the basics:

Mindful breathing when I first wake up.

Eating well, getting enough sleep, exercising.

Looking at what I am feeling, discerning what is a lie and what is the truth, and being thankful for what I have.

And I am finding what I am lacking the most, and what I am in deepest need of – time with God and remembering who I am in Him. Being okay with where I am because he has brought me here for a reason.

I find that I am often drifting down the stream and entering into a spinning whirlpool before I remember that I have had a lifeline all along. 

Lord, I need help. I know that as I look back on my life, I’ve learned the most from times of struggle, when I am pushed out of my comfort zone and am learning to rely on you, to love you in a new way, and to let you love me. Those times are what has made me life so much richer. Be with me, give me peace and strength and joy. Help me to reach out and be your loving touch to those around me. Help me to embrace this vulnerable season.

“I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad. My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that  are right with uncertainty: Love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity, to name a few.”  Brene Brown

When You Take Away Food From a Food Addict: or I Survived the 10-Day Green Smoothie Cleanse

Just a thought: if you start a green smoothie cleanse/detox and you’re a food addict, when you remove the food, your addict will show up and wonder “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

* To get the full picture of my experience, you may want to start at the beginning with my posts about my very imperfect start on Day One and continued adventures on Day Two 

Day One and Two completed, I thought things were going pretty good. I had gotten into a routine of making my smoothies for the day in the morning, planning out my snacks, making sure I had boiled eggs, and measured out my three liters of water.

My husband was out of town on business, and that made it easier to make good food choices – I didn’t have to worry about fixing him dinner, I could put away all the food that was tempting me, he wouldn’t bring home anything that would be tempting, and I wouldn’t have to smell anything that he was cooking. Easy-peasy.

As day three went on, the house was quiet. I ran a couple of errands, and realized how often I grab a snack here and there when I’m out and about. I resisted the urge.

I moved to a new town this past summer, and I had just returned from a trip back ‘home’, so I started thinking about how I missed my friends. I started to feel sad, and it was amplified because I knew my husband wouldn’t be home for a few days. I texted a couple of people, but they didn’t text me back. I felt so lonely. And I really wanted to eat sugar.

I hadn’t realized how much I use food as a distraction or comfort. I know that I do that, but I didn’t KNOW how much until I didn’t have that option. Each time I had a craving or really wanted to eat,  I stopped to ask myself WHY?

I wasn’t hungry – the smoothies on the cleanse were very filling, and I had the allowed snacks if I was hungry.

So for two days, day three and four, I became more and more depressed, lonely, distraught. I had to stop and look at what was going on – and realized . . .

This is what happens when you take food away from a food addict.

When you aren’t distracting yourself or comforting yourself with food, guess what? You actually have to FEEL. I had been avoiding feeling for longer than I realized. 

overeating

Photo credit Kirll Yankov – Creative Commons

When I was sharing my experience of the last ten days with someone recently, they asked me if I thought I was really a food addict. I started to back pedal, but then said, “Yes, I really do.” What is a food addict, or what does it mean to have a food addiction? Here are some guidelines found on Web, MD

Researchers at Yale University’s Rudd Center for Food Science & Policy have developed a questionnaire to identify people with food addictions.

Here’s a sample of questions that can help determine if you have a food addiction. Do these actions apply to you? Do you:

  • End up eating more than planned when you start eating certain foods
  • Keep eating certain foods even if you’re no longer hungry
  • Eat to the point of feeling ill
  • Worry about not eating certain types of foods or worry about cutting down on certain types of foods
  • When certain foods aren’t available, go out of your way to obtain them

There are schools of thought regarding the emotional and physical signs of food addiction and it’s relation to eating disorders, but this essay is about my personal experience, so I’m not going to delve into the science and psychology of it. You can google it.

For myself, when I am using food for something other than nourishment, compulsively using food as a distraction from physical or emotional pain, out of boredom, or as a replacement for dealing with stress, loneliness, or anger, then I am acting as a food addict. Other definitions include being unable to stop the compulsive behavior, despite negative consequences. Like weight gain, or health issues, or spending money.

So day three and four ended up to be a 48 hour meltdown. I felt bored and lonely and hopeless. I was ready to tell my husband that I can’t stay in this new town. What was I thinking moving here? Do you know how hard it is to meet people when you don’t have school age children and you aren’t working? I have met some people here, but none I know well enough to call in the middle of a meltdown. I was afraid I’d cry on the phone. It was a tough couple of days. My husband came home and I cried on his shoulder, and then I went to church and cried on the pastor’s shoulder. He promised to connect me with the other two women in the church that are my age (its a small church).

But I stuck to the cleanse. Partly because I didn’t want to fail again, partly because I know it was due to my sugar withdrawals, and most of all, because I want to be healthy. The despair waned, and I made some healthy choices in the middle of it. I talked to my husband about how I was feeling. I found a women’s group at a large local church that is specifically for people who have recently moved to town. (The group had already been meeting for a few weeks, but I told them I was desperate so they let me in.)  I connected with someone I would like to be better friends with and made a date to get together.I texted my friends back home and received their love and support. I asked people to pray for me.

As for the rest of the cleanse, I finished all 10 days. I got a horrible headache on day 8, but I wasn’t hungry and the smoothies tasted so good that once I got past the cravings it was actually pretty easy. Although they say most people lose 10-15 lbs, I lost 8 lbs, but I am fine with that. I find now that I am over 50, I can’t just drink extra water and lose 5 lbs overnight like I used to.

I don’t feel tired, I don’t have a headache, I’m not bloated or gassy, my brain isn’t as foggy, and my joints aren’t as stiff. I haven’t had sugar, processed foods, caffeine, or alcohol for 10 days, and my body is loving it. Also, as someone who had diverticulitis so severe I required a bowel resection, my gut is feeling GREAT!

Now the challenge is what to do next. Today is the first day off the cleanse, so the book suggests adding whole foods gradually over the next three days. My meals today were two green smoothies, two hard-boiled eggs, cashews, and a dinner of spaghetti squash and homemade marinara without meat. (Here is the recipe for the marinara sauce.) It tasted absolutely delicious! I started to go for seconds out of habit but I stopped and asked myself and if I was hungry. I wasn’t, so I chose not to eat seconds. spaghetti

I plan limit my caffeine to one cup of coffee a day, and to stay off sugar, soda, and processed foods and continue to lose weight.

I am really glad I did this cleanse. Not just for the physical detox, but for the emotional detox as well. This was a good re-set for my body and my heart.

Click here to buy the 10-Day Green Smoothie Cleanse book  (I do not receive any compensation, this is just a personal recommendation for this book)smoothie 1

Living the Dream (or How Donald Miller’s Words and the Storyline Conference Shaped My Path) 

*please forgive my accidental post earlier. I was trying to save what I had written and accidentally pasted a text to our real estate agent. Yikes!

————————————-

I haven’t written in a while.
Quite a long while.

In the past six months the whole direction of my life has changed and I’m very excited to tell you the story. There has been an upheaval in our family, in our home, and in our hearts. 
I believe it all began a number of years ago when I read Donald Miller’s book Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality. It was a time in my spiritual walk where I was lost. Dissatisfied. Hungry for more. Blue Like  Jazz was the type of book one reads with a huge sigh of relief – finally someone had put into words how I was feeling. It made my heart come alive with hope. This book gave me the courage to think outside the box, to question, to tell myself it’s okay to be hungry for more – for truth, for love, for community. It started me on a path to being a more honest wife and mother. Let me to start becoming a more purposeful friend. And it gave me freedom as follower of Jesus that I didn’t know I was missing.

A few years later my son was in high school and was walking a troubled path. He had a lot of spiritual questions, as did I. I desperately wanted to find a way to connect with him and his small group of ragtag friends. And here Donald Miller played a part again. I had read his Searching For God Knows What, and thought maybe this would be a way to start a conversation with these kids. I talked to my son and he asked his friends, and to my shock they said they would be interested in a book study. I thought, “Wouldn’t it be amazing for some cool college kid to come alongside and do a book study with this group of kids?” I prayed for days, for weeks, for months, to find the right person in my church of 6000 people – and it just wasn’t happening.

Then I felt this (horrible) nudging in my heart that maybe I’m supposed to lead this book study. NO. Just no! Dear God, I’m the MOM. These kids do not want to do a book study with their friend’s mom. But my son and his friends said yes. So there we met, week after week. Our little group included straight edge kids, drug using kids, atheist and agnostic kids, wounded Christian kids, bisexual kids, and a Jewish kid. I would love to tell you this study was a huge success and all of the kids opened their hearts to Jesus – but you know what? That didn’t happen. I learned to step away from being a mom and just listen to what my kid’s truth was – whether I wanted to hear it or not. I gave all the kids a safe place where they could say whatever they wanted, and I would listen. And that was okay. Actually, it was better than okay.

Fast forward to February, 2014, at the Storyline Conference in San Diego. I had already read A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. This Donald Miller book helped me to start thinking of the story of my life in a very purposeful way. What kind of story did I want my life to tell? Who are the characters in my story? What can I do to build an even more beautiful story as a follower of Jesus? I was beside myself with excitement as I arrived at this conference with a few of my best friends. I don’t know if my friends quite knew with they were getting into. As a middle-aged stay-at-home mom for many years, the concept of dreaming and building a better story often felt out of my reach. But it had been building up for months in anticipation of this conference. And man, let me tell you – once I got there, my heart and my brain exploded!

Warning: once you open the floodgates of dreaming and creativity, especially if they have been closed for years, it is overwhelming and invigorating. And it’s also very difficult to shut off.

Starting with the incredible author Anne Lamott, the wheels of my heart and my head started turning. I soaked it in as I listened to amazing speaker after amazing speaker, each telling their beautiful story. I began to think and dream – I was hungry for community, I wanted our marriage and our family to be purposeful. I longed for for our home to be a safe haven, a healing place for broken people. And that is the beginning of our story.

This story involves a dream – born, shattered, and reborn. It’s the story of a broken marriage that was healed. It’s the story of the journey of a prodigal son and a wounded family that was restored. It’s the story of a family scattered across the globe to live out their dreams. It’s the dream of finding our tribe, learning to live in community, and welcoming everyone to our table. Every single one.


And right now it’s the story of a woman who needs to keep packing so that she can move across the country next week.

Please stay tuned. The story is unfolding, even as I write this.